Our Family Dynamics Are In Transition

Writing Prompt #18: Major Changes in Your Life

Our sons are 18 and 26. They live at home in their childhood bedrooms yet are not children. Instead, they are adults with full-time jobs, with the youngest finishing his Associate’s Degree in a month. Both of our boys have steady girlfriends.

The oldest pays rent and provides dinner once a week. The youngest doesn’t have to pay rent as long as he is in school. One girlfriend is frequently here for dinner, but the other lives in another state and visits occasionally.

It sounds great. Why shouldn’t it? Both boys are working toward autonomy. They are in relationships, have jobs, and are responsible young men. I’m still paying insurance and phone for the youngest, but that stops when he finishes school.

I couldn’t ask for anything more, yet I hate it!

Here are my two boys, who used to focus solely on life with my husband and me, making their own way. Even though they currently need help with their living situation, both plan to move out as soon as possible.

I’ve told my husband multiple times that having them here is worse than if they were already gone. If they were gone, we wouldn’t be aware of the decisions they make or how often they ignore our advice.

I wouldn’t feel sad every time they walked by me, sometimes without even saying hello or goodbye. Let’s face it, our kids like having us in the background, but their focus is on life outside their original nuclear family.

I know, I know. It’s a good thing. But for over two decades, I planned my life around my children. Now, I am free to plan my life without them, but I’m having difficulty doing so.

I have empty nest syndrome, even though the nest is still occupied.

If my boys move out completely, my heart will be ripped out, and I will immediately have to start to heal. But the way my boys are transitioning, it’s like chipping off a piece of my heart every day.

Which way is better? I don’t know the answer to that. Since they live here, I still get to see them occasionally shuffle by in their underwear on their way to the bathroom. I’m still the one to notice that they don’t change their sheets, wash their hands when they should, or change their towels. So I still have opportunities to nag them. I relish this job because it won’t be long before it is someone else’s job.

No matter what, I have to focus on being the supportive, proud mother that I am rather than the whiny mother who clings to her child’s ankle that I want to be.

Maybe in a few years, I’ll have some grandchildren to transfer all my attention to. I have the feeling I’ll be allowed to babysit.

It’s the way it should be, just like the cycle of life.

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